i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
