HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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