Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize