She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
