I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
