how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize