I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
