I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
