I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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