totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
