Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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