he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
