saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
