I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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