porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
