Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
then he tried to convert me to islam
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
