I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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