if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize