Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
