i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
