I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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