i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
His hands were made for my vagina.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
