I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
