I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
