mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
