I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
