elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
