i wish my penis had a tongue
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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