last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
