My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Randomize
