1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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