I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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