I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
