Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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