you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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