I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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