My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My dick has a subreddit
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
