i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
