Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
