You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
