so that wasnt chicken after all
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
