I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
