you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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