Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
