It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
