my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
