my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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