He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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