i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
