Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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