you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
