im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize