I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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