come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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