if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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