I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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