also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
