my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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