Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
