The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
