I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
