he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
