new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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