You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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